As I watched in awe Greta Thunberg address world leaders on September 23rd, I was, like so many other people of the world, struck by her anger. The unrelenting passion of her delivery. The pureness of her voice that vacillated from yelling to cracking. Tears that, on occasion, pleaded to escape her eyes. Her firm resolve. Her stoic stance and unapologetic glare. Raw, unwavering anger. It sounded like freedom to me.
Anger is typically taught to children as a form of weakness. Especially children who, like Greta, fall onto the autism spectrum. I work in schools with autistic children. I intervene when hostile outbursts occur. We try to accommodate, pacify, redirect. Anger is labeled as “impulsive” or “behavioral problems”. Careful design is considered to eliminate aggravation in our children in the school system as well as in the homes.
There are very destructive forms of anger. Anything from minor teasing, bullying, to outright violence can be spurred in anger. But, have we considered that the more severe the resultant action could actually be manifested by the suppression of the first anger impulse?
After the UN address, I anxiously awaited my daughter to watch Greta. My middle school daughter, who has her own passions. I was excited for her to see this young hero. I wanted to hear her opinion.
“She showed weakness” my daughter informed me. “She almost cried, her voice cracked, it was too much emotion”. I was shocked. Have I spent far too much of my parental energy on negating anger in my own child?
Is too much emotion possible when speaking about things that you are passionate about? Is too much emotion possible when explaining your desires, your needs, your wants? Are we, as a community, numbing our children’s emotions?
What ignites us, on a personal level, to change? To seek a solution. Is it fear? Fear causes a fight or flight response. When we fight, we are angry. When we fight, we seek a solution. What I witnessed with Greta was a young woman starting a movement. Starting to demand change and thus, a solution.
When our children are small and throw a temper tantrum, what do we do? We, instinctively, I would argue, try to stop the tantrum. There are differing philosophies on how to do that, but almost anyone who has dealt with a two year old can attest that stopping the tantrum is the goal.
I recall seeing Dr Harvy Karp speak at Goshen Hospital many years back. His method for stopping the tantrum was to validate the frustration that lead to anger. He even suggested that parents get down on the floor with the toddler and throw a temper tantrum of their own to illustrate to the child a deep understanding and acknowledgement of the exasperation.
Greta’s autism was especially useful in her expression of anger. Worrying about the societal norms of expressing anger towards a group of dignitaries was, simply, not in her genetic makeup. It may have made others uncomfortable, but it did not affect her that way.
Perhaps the answer to school violence, bullying, etc is as simple as what Dr. Harvy Karp instructed. Validate the frustration, acknowledge the anger. Don’t suppress the first impulse. The solution that Greta seeks is a large one, and not without merit. What I am suggesting here, is a shift in our societal approach to anger. Every time a person becomes irritated, their issue is just as important to them as the Climate Crisis is to Greta. Be kind platitudes don’t work when we are rightly impassioned with contempt. All any of us really want, after all, is to be heard and understood.
Let’s start getting down on the floor with our kids, affirming their frustrations, acknowledging their anger. Teach them useful outlets for that anger, instead of trying to stall it. Because anger can be productive, it creates change and action.
Empower children with the freedom to be angry.