Some of us have children at home and older parents who need our help. We get called the sandwich generation. If you are happily childfree, lean in to learn about the people around you, us sandwich folks; this could be vital information. Anyone you know who is a sandwich person, with their aging parents and growing kids still in play, we are tired and worried. We are forgotten.
For those of us with children lucky enough to also have parents in the mix, we disappear in our parent’s eyes when the cute grandkids are around. I could be talking to my dear old dad and in the middle of a sentence, but the kiddos get home from school, and I turn invisible. I get thrown to the side like the lettuce and mealy tomato slice on a diner sandwich plate.
As a new mother, I was hurt at first to see the shift in hierarchy. I already had to acclimate to having a baby; then I had to absorb the fact that said baby was a big deal to everyone else, too. I learned to reassert my place in the family once this new layer existed. I guess that is how we grow and change as adults and mature as parents. Like a veggie sandwich on wheat, growth may be good for us, but it’s not as tasty as a cheeseburger. Wait, is that raw onion? Gross.
Sometimes, the inability of our parents to see us when our kids are there sucks. I am still a kid, even in my fifties, and I still want parental praise and attention. BUT. Becoming invisible means I can grab my husband by the hand and run away to an adult-only date night! I don't have to correct my kids' table manners if they dine with the grandparents because they are now in charge, and I am not. I am unseen by not just my Dad but my kids, too! Mom! Mom! Mom! becomes invisible. Sandwiches are not all bad. Like a gooey grilled cheese with a tomato slice snuck into the middle, The sandwich generation can be tasty.
Unfortunately, there is another problem with this sandwich season of life: aging parental units and growing children. The grandparents also tell us how adorable our kids are. They tell us what the kids do and say. Even though we can run away for a while, and grandparents take over, we can expect a second-by-second recap of the teeny details of their time while we were gone, which makes it feel as if we were never gone at all.
But, still invisible!
They're just spending the day with the kids, and they do something cute, as kids are known to do with their grandparents. The activities and things said will be portrayed to you as if the outing was akin to the latest heart-throbbing cinematic wonder. And we have to say, “Yes, that is amazing. That is the most incredible thing ever in reality.” Even if what happened is the same thing the kid does every day, we see them do it seven days a week.
The splurge of our joyous adoration in their discovery of how wonderful our children are takes a lot of effort. It's harder to do when we might have feelings about them forgetting how wonderful we are in the glow of our progeny. Like watching a chef create a crusty, gooey, layered gourmet sandwich on TV, if you cannot sink your teeth into it, do you want to watch the detailed construction of it?
As the adorable grandkids get older and busier, we may find ourselves consoling the grandparents. Grandfolks may become invisible when teens have friends, sports, and their own interests. We know how it feels since our kids ignore us daily. We can love our parents through
it. Make them a nice sandwich. Finish the sentence we were in the middle of fourteen years ago. We still remember it.
Once we all get used to being invisible, new challenges exist, such as downsizing and possible health concerns. People who likely taught us how to balance a checkbook and pay bills may need help doing those same tasks as their vision becomes faulty or their memory fades. It’s stressful when they need our help as we once needed theirs, and they are unhappy about it. Like a liverwurst sandwich with soft white wonder bread and too much mayo, caring for each other gets messy at times.
At least they can see us again!
Navigating family in a sandwich generation is nuanced and can be tricky. We don’t always agree on what to do with each other or have the same tastes, but we are family. An imperfect sandwich can still nourish us at any age.
Music: "Granted Wish" by James Lloyd
