Before this year, I had singlehandedly planned every one of my family's trips, and I was over it.
Since I'm a travel journalist, the job has always defaulted to me to know where to stay or how to fly cheap.
But after years of being the planner and booking every flight and hotel for my husband and two kids — plus parenting in general — I was burned out.
So, my husband took the lead on planning a "just us" trip. Together, we landed on a budget we were both comfortable with, then he booked the flights, rental car and a spa in Quebec, Canada.
It felt like a huge gift because I didn't have to plan a thing. But before we hit the road, I wondered: What else could we do to make sure our vacation was a success?
Couples trips can feel exciting but can also feel like a lot of pressure. How do you plan a getaway that satisfies the needs of both people? How do you take financial stress out of the equation? What happens if you get into a fight?
I asked seasoned couples therapists — one of whom is also a travel advisor for couples — and a financial coach how to pull off a trip that brings both partners back home connected, refreshed and ready to plan the next one. Here's what they said.
Find your "why"
Don't just pick a "where" and "when" — decide why you're going and how you want to feel when you get there, says couples therapist and travel advisor Marissa Nelson. "Is this vacation about ease? Excitement? What does fun look like on this trip?"
Don't forget the big picture. The point is to take time to notice each other — to remove yourselves from the responsibilities of regular life long enough to remember why you like being together in the first place.
By talking this out with your partner, you'll set yourself up for success — not mismatched expectations.
For our trip, my goal was simple: to just show up. We both wanted our trip to be about relaxation and reconnection, and I wanted a break from my planner status. I said to my partner, "I don't care, just book something."
Then, let your "why" inform your "where." My partner chose a spa a couple hours outside of Montreal because I'd been there before and loved it. It was a place where we knew we'd have a balanced stay: healthy food and also some wine; massages and also adventurous hikes in the snow. It was wonderful.
Prepay what you can
If you don't want to squabble with your partner about finances on vacation, try to pay for as much of the trip as you can in advance, says Jenny Whichello, a financial coach who works with couples. (Of course, paying in advance means saving in advance, too. This episode has good tips on how to do that.)
"Then, when the time arrives to actually go on that trip, you're not thinking about money," she says.
My partner and I took this tip to heart. We went the all-inclusive route — which meant the flights, car, accommodation costs and even our meals were paid for upfront.
That way, once we got to the spa, we could just focus on enjoying our time together because we had zero surprise bills to bicker over. (OK, one small surprise gift-shop bill after I realized I'd completely forgotten to pack a bathing suit.)
Plan some alone time
The best couples trips balance together time and alone time. Couples therapist Will Messer told me he gets easily overstimulated in general, and is more introverted than his wife, with whom he loves to travel.
So he's learned over the years to ask for "a little pullback time and space," he says. Feel free to take a break, go for a walk, plan a solo activity or some downtime — alone time, in moderation, has been shown to boost wellbeing and ease stress.
Then, come back and spend time together, says Nelson. This way, you're "prioritizing self and us at the same time."
For my husband, who's the less social of the two of us, this manifested as some longer solo runs and even taking time to cold-plunge into a frozen Québécois lake — definitely an activity I was more than happy to skip!
Don't fear conflict
A fight might happen. And if it does, that's OK — and normal! Being prepared for conflict and knowing how to handle it will ensure you move through it easier and faster so you can get on with having a good time.
When you and your partner inevitably butt heads about something, try to name your emotion to yourself first, Nelson says. It will help you regulate your own emotions — and better communicate them to your partner. (Need more tips? Check out this story about how to have more constructive fights with your partner.)
For me on our trip, I noticed I felt angry after my husband told me how happy he was to be taking a break from our kids. How rude! I thought. I miss our kids!
But once I checked in with myself, I realized I was just feeling protective of the kids and navigating what it was like to be away for the first time. After I acknowledged this, I was better able to appreciate that my husband was enjoying our time together.
Take the good vibes home
So your trip is coming to an end, and maybe you had a conflict or two, but overall you and your partner had a pretty amazing time. How do you keep that feeling going back in the real world?
On your way home, talk about your trip highlights and how you might replicate them in your everyday life, Messer says.
For example, if you loved all those slow, quiet moments with your partner on your trip, you might say, "When we get home, I'd like to get in the habit of sitting on the back porch with a glass of wine, just chilling," Messer says. "Maybe there's a smaller way we can make this a more regular part of our life."
My husband and I loved being offline on our trip so much that when we came home, we decided to set up our house Wi-Fi so that it turns off automatically every evening. Less distractions, more focused time together — as easy as flipping a switch. Who knew we had to fly all the way to Canada to figure out such a simple tip?
Amelia Edelman is a writer, editor and content strategist who has worked with outlets such as the BBC, Lonely Planet and Travel + Leisure. She has traveled to 38 countries, often with her kids.
This story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. We'd love to hear from you. Email us at LifeKit@npr.org. Listen to Life Kit on Apple Podcasts and Spotify, or sign up for our newsletter.
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